Who Knew?

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Who knew that if I drank that tea, I’d become mad too? Falling down the rabbit hole isn’t hard at all…..one day you’re up and taking care of someone in an emergency….and the next your ARE the emergency.

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The cruelest joke of all I do believe was that it all happened on my birthday….

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Oh…wait….isn’t that supposed to be the happy dance? For me, years of being a nurse, thousands of patients I have spoke to, held their hand as they died, grieved with the family at death from senseless violence…..those experiences toughened me, or so I thought.

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To walk out with my attending MD, sometimes blood still on my scrubs, and tell an expectant family that THIS time we had lost our battle. Failed our mission to pull their loved one from the jaws of death. These personal experiences had toughened me to where I kept up a wall to protect me from the shrapnel of shredded lives…

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But once you have gone down that hole, there really is no turning back. No armor that protects you.

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The things you once thought you knew about social norms fall away, and you begin to see people different. Not quite the same. It really is not that you have no feelings it’s just that you have been changed.

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Unless you live in this world, it is hard to understand. No person should have to see the things we do daily as Emergency providers. Each time the rotors turn many souls are at stake, but they are the few that choose to be there.

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The fearless or just people who care more about themselves than others. That’s where I have always stood. In the Army, they have battle buddies. Someone to watch their “six” when going into danger.

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And these brave souls will risk their life too in order to never leave a man behind.

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But, when you tumble down that hole as a nurse, the world flips on its edge and you just feel ….

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You will wake up and everything will be back in its neat compartmentalized order. Things most certainly did not get better down the rabbit hole I fell in. In fact it got worse. I am not old by any means, still young, still healthy, why would I EVER think to have a CT of my head for my migraines? Silly, Silly, me!

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I walked in thinking I knew everything. Tough. Battle hardened. Nothing could make me cry, lose faith….

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Until I heard those words…..BRAIN ANEURYSM….

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There was no WAY this was happening. Not now, not at the height of what I perceived as the pinnacle of my existence as an “adult.” I had no battle buddy…..

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What  I had was a few more strokes….I guess my brain was lonely….

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So, how do you go from caregiver to care receiver? Simply put, I don’t know. I wish there was some magic potion to rewind time and start again. 

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  Unfortunately, I have yet to find one. What I have found is living in wonderland is strange.  It is a novel laid out, but unwritten. It’s time sliding through an hourglass, but whose time? And for what?

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That’s the standard answer. All of this while walking with a ticking time bomb in my head. Reading and reviewing helped take the pain away when my use of language became impaired. Yes, I know, every man’s dream, a woman that can’t talk.

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And just when I think I have adapted, another thing gets thrown at me. Try swallowing pheochromocytoma….Now THAT’S a helluva word! Just another journey to embark upon….I wish they issued battle buddies for this….

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So for now, I will close and say that tomorrow’s journey wherever it may lead I will face with strength and grace. And for you who are following the experience and I have left you as I was getting called back 8 hours later, I haven’t forgotten you. There is more to come!

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Just hang onto your hat…..you wouldn’t want to make the hatter mad!

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Unfortunately, I am not sure I have an option. But, if I can’t leave neverland,  I will join it and enjoy it. Because let me tell you…..this girl can DANCE!!!!

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Come back and see us real soon. We are all mad down here! Time for me to dust off to other projects!

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Never run! Always fight! Even when it feels like there’s no fight left, you still harbor a warrior’s spirit.

If you would like to donate to the aneurysm (and now cancer as well) funding, well I would be thrilled as this is an expensive journey. If not, that’s ok too. Just stop by and say HI! Visit my book reviews, visit my newly opened store….or hell…..jump down the rabbit hole and enjoy this crazy adventure with me!

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May peace and love find and follow you. Until next time…..

~J

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